Live Beyond Stress and Illness

Un-forgiveness can ravage our mind, emotions, body and spirit of vibrant health. When we are unforgiving our sense of well-being and ability to create inner peace goes right out the window. When we cannot forgive we invite and maintain so many of the negative thoughts and emotions that perpetuate stress. And these same thoughts and emotions can lead to illness.

Un-forgiveness is usually accompanied by any or all of the following emotions: Grief, lack of acceptance, anger, frustration, disappointment, apathy, vengeance, feelings of abandonment, betrayal, rejection, fear, confusion, anxiety, overwhelm, victim consciousness, and insecurity.

Think of un-forgiveness as a roadblock to your peace of mind and sense of well-being. Imagine for a moment that each of these emotions were as heavy a burden as carrying around a 10 pound brick all day. Imagine you were carrying around frustration, lack of acceptance, overwhelm and grief as a result of something that occurred in your life that has yet to be forgiven. Those four heavy bricks are equivalent to 40 pounds of burden.

What effect will that 40 pound burden have on your emotional, mental and physical well-being? How long would you willingly carry around a sack of 10 pound bricks if you really didn’t have to? But forgiveness is expansive, non-restrictive and weightless.

Forgiveness is usually characterized by the following qualities and emotions: Acceptance, compassion, mercy, trust, peace, calm, patience, love, gratitude, willingness, courage, faith, allowing, joy, inspiration, understanding and connection.

Forgiveness perpetuates stress-less thoughts, emotions, actions and behaviors. Forgiveness is the gatekeeper to a life without shame, guilt, condemnation, and all the other negative qualities and emotions which deny us a life worth living. Forgiveness grants us the privilege and ability to live in the present without projecting our individual and fear-based stories from our past onto the future.

When we choose to forgive we are choosing to life a life of personal freedom. We choose to honor the humanity of others as well as our own. Forgiveness begets a healthier mind, body and spirit. The act of forgiveness can lower your blood pressure, squash anxiety, redeem your sense of security, calm your body, mind and emotions and decrease many of the physical symptoms we experience with illness.

When I find myself struggling to forgive someone or something in my life I remind myself that choosing to practice un-forgiveness is choosing to perpetuate negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors that maintain stress and feed illness.

In my own experience, I’ve recognized that there comes a point where choosing to maintain un-forgiveness requires my willingness to take on the role of victim and perpetrator. So, when a negative situation plays out in my life it is necessary to my well-being that I remain conscious of how long the actual event plays out vs. how long I choose to feed my story of that event with un-forgiveness.

For example: If I am the victim of a hit and run accident the accident itself may have lasted a few moments from start to finish. But if I maintain this story of un-forgiveness and I choose thoughts which build evidence to my being a victim of circumstance and wrong doing for the next ten years it will be ME who has taken over the role of perpetrator. I will be perpetrating a crime against myself.

The incident which challenges me to forgive only plays out once in reality, (someone hits my car and flees from the scene) but it is I who will play that scene over and over again for years to come in my negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors—perpetuating the crime and my commitment to un-forgiveness if I let myself.

The original perpetrator may act only once, but I run the risk of becoming the perpetual victim AND perpetrator of an emotionally, mentally and physically unhealthy practice against myself when I knowingly keep un-forgiveness in place.

Forgiveness is a choice and it has become one of my finest allies in living a life beyond stress and illness.

Did You Know?

1) Seven of every ten people who die each year had been living with a chronic illness

2) One of every two of us is now living with a chronic illness

3) For three of every four of those with a chronic illness stress may be a contributing factor (American Medical Association)

4) When we feel the effects of emotional and mental stress, our health is compromised by a primitive fight or flight response that produces stress hormones even when we are not really in immediate danger.

5) A study published in "Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association'' showed that mental stress can decrease blood flow to the heart. This study regarding stress related illness likened stress with bad cholesterol and smoking as risk factors for coronary heart disease patients

I don’t know about you but I find the above statistics to be rather alarming! And if it’s common knowledge that stress is a big factor in more than 75% of all illness diagnosed today what are we doing as a nation to combat stress?

Are we all in denial? If you really trusted that your life, health and well-being was at stake would that be enough for you to turn the tables on stress and say “Enough is enough! I’m going to make some conscious choices here that dismantle the behaviors, thoughts, habits and actions which keep stress in place and leave the door wide open for illness to come on into my life?”

I often wonder why we aren’t seeing Stress Management 101 classes offered to our youth in high school so as to better prepare them for living healthy and long lives. Where was that class when I was in school? And why is my doctor more likely to write me a script for Xanax than recommend I attend a meditation seminar or creative visualization classes when I tell her I’m suffering from anxiety? But most of all, when did we decide as a nation that it was acceptable, “normal,” and even honorable to be living high stress lives?

One of the biggest reasons people give me when I ask them why they give so little focus to mastering their stress is that they don’t have the time. They don’t have the time to get a massage, work with a coach, meditate, practice creative visualization or deep breathing exercises. They don’t have time to practice new and healthy habits, take a break, or get 8 hours of sleep nightly.

Time: The age old excuse for everything. When are we going to stop using that one? Time is never really the issue—priority is the issue—commitment is the issue. Time can be one hell of a scapegoat for those things we say we most want to do but never get around to doing.

The truth is we don’t have time to put other things ahead of our stress management. The data on the health risk associated with that action are much too threatening. Shifting your commitment towards making time for learning how to live well and minimize stress in your life requires a willingness to debunk some socially acceptable beliefs that keep stress and illness in play.

Repeat after me—Being stressed out is NOT normal over long periods of time. Your body was not built to maintain high stress levels throughout the day. It doesn’t have the capacity or the willingness to remain in the Fight or Flight response for too long before it starts breaking down.

Decide right now you must stop walking through life high on adrenaline and challenged by daily and intensive stress that you know is ruling your life. It’s absolutely, inarguably unacceptable. Decide right now you are not willing to become another victim of stress. Your body, mind, emotions, and spirit will thank you for it.

A recent post on Marci Alboher’s New York Times Blog paralleled the story line of the Broadway Musical A Chorus Line to the lengths many of us choose to go in order to build a career centered on passion. Her post is worth a read if for no other reason than to salute her genius in finding a way to deduct theater tickets to one of the best Broadway shows ever!

Marci poses some questions regarding the common themes in A Chorus Line such as:

Should you sell out or toil away in obscurity doing what you love?

What happens once you reach the place in your career you’ve always aspired to?

Or what happens if you hit midlife or later and still haven’t arrived at the point you hoped to be?

All of these questions are bound to ignite some stressful thoughts and emotions as we pose them to ourselves from time to time. But it was her final question that really got me to thinking:

Whether artists or not, shouldn’t we all give thought to building careers that will serve us for a lifetime, not merely for a season?

How common and yet stilting a belief that so many of us have begrudgingly held onto from early adult hood—believing that we should build a career which serves us a life time. Should we really? Says who?

The nature of life births desire after desire after desire. What served me years ago isn’t necessarily going to continue to fulfill me in the same way today. With every achievement comes a new desire. I want more, I want different, I want the excitement, growth and adventure that doesn’t always come with doing the same thing over and over again. Are we setting ourselves up for disappointment in believing that we can live one dream, (one career) that will serve us a lifetime?

I’ve known many people who have stayed in careers that didn’t serve them any longer simply because of the weight of that unbearable belief—“We should find careers that serve us a lifetime.” The stress that comes with believing we’ve somehow missed the mark or failed ourselves when our passion for a particular career has fizzled out or when circumstances beyond our control have suddenly closed the door to us and our current career can be overwhelming. But what if you didn’t really fail? What if you simply were ready to grow, explore, or evolve? Since when did growing and evolving equate to failure?

Falling prey to the belief that we should build careers that serve us a lifetime has the power to keep many of us from living beyond our first dream, cultivating new talents we never knew we were capable of, employing strengths that we didn’t know existed within us, falling in love with adventure itself, and/or simply agreeing to experience the expansiveness of who we are.

I’ve worked with many clients who’ve stumbled into a period of their life where they can’t quite figure out why their career doesn’t bring them the fulfillment it once did. Instead of dwelling on the thought “I should still be happy with where I am today,” Why not honor the truth and consider this an opportunity to live a new desire that wants to be born? Instead of asking, “Why am I not still happy?” How about asking, “What will make me happy?” Give yourself permission to travel another road, expand, risk, and evolve into something or someone you never knew you could become.

If you are one of those people who has managed to build a career that continues to serve you throughout your lifetime—how magnificent for you! And if you are someone who enjoys the bursts of passion that come with “seasonal careers” and find yourself fulfilling more than one career venture—how magnificent for you too! When it comes down to it—seasonal or life long—aren’t the ones who win at life the ones who choose to live without regret?

What I know to be true for myself is this: I want a career—Seasonal or lifelong—that makes me thrilled to be alive. I want my career life to burst with a similar passion as that which Cassie, (from A Chorus Line) expresses when she sings at the top of her lungs…

All I ever needed
Was the music
And the mirror
And the chance
To dance
For you!

A large part of learning to play a bigger role in your health and well-being is about finding the gifts in what we might usually perceive as God-awful life circumstances. To be diagnosed with a chronic or life threatening illness—God awful! To be let go from a high power + high paid career, also God-awful! To have a long term marriage you committed your heart, soul, and everything to just to have it end with an adulteress act—again, God-awful!

Part of the work I do with my coaching clients at Live Beyond Stress and Illness involves supporting people in learning to befriend their illness—not an easy task, I agree. I’m not talking about encouraging others to bow down to their illness or give up on their health and desire to create a sense of well-being. I’m talking about learning to shift the negative, health-stealing, and resistant relationship we tend to have with an illness into one that invites a greater opportunity for peace and healing. Befriending an illness releases one from falling prey to stressful thoughts and emotions that can keep illness in place.

I’ve spoken before about the stress and illness cycle. When stress remains in place for extended periods of time it can manifest in the physical body as illness. And when illness enters one’s life—more stress tends to be mounted upon us. The new stress that comes with an illness can hold illness in place and even perpetuate more and more physical symptoms, which of course will typically perpetuate more stress. Once the stress and illness cycle is in place it becomes increasingly difficult to manage either the stress or the illness.

Finding peace with your illness requires a commitment to shift your focus towards one that empowers you. It is important for anyone challenged by illness to remember that any thought we generate that isn’t a match for inner peace is most probably a stress-producing thought; one that creates a stressful emotion which in return has the potential to create disharmony is the physical body. We cannot afford to entertain stress-producing thoughts for too long if we want to break the stress and illness cycle.

Generating a peaceful relationship with your illness will surely feel like an impossible quest in the beginning. But don’t let that deter you from reaping the benefits that can come by setting course on this journey. I have witnessed again and again the serenity- and in many cases, the so called miraculous mental, emotional and physical healings that have come from mastering the art of befriending an illness.

I’ve included a video clip link here of one of my greatest hero’s Byron Katie in hopes of better bringing to light the power of shifting our relationship to illness. Byron Katie is truly one of the leading champions in supporting others in living beyond stress and illness, and you can trust I will speak of her work from time to time as it is so pertinent to my own message. Follow this link and I trust you will be inspired to tears as you witness one man’s journey towards befriending his own illness.

In an earlier post I wrote about the health benefits of singing. I spoke of the physical benefits singing can have on the body such as the way it enhances relaxation, exercises and keeps your heart healthy, clears respiratory tubes and sinuses, stimulates endorphins, and increases oxygenation in the blood stream. Naturally, I am still a big fan of singing as an avenue to decreasing stress and supporting a healthy body.

Chanting offers many of the same health benefits. Both singing and chanting support the health of the Vegas nerve which has been touted the most important nerve in the human body. The Vegas nerve runs through the neck and services many major organs in the body such as the heart, intestines, intestinal track, back muscles, and also the lungs. Imagine stimulating the health of that very important nerve and the domino effect it could have on so many of your major organs simply by engaging in song or through chant.

I’ve often heard that Chanting is truly the first step in preparing your body for meditation. Chanting focuses on an easy to remember phrase and melody and repeats itself over and over. If you’ve ever listened to Chant you may have noticed the hypnotic state of bliss it can bring about. The repetition sets the stage for quieting the mind and when the mind is less active the body calms as well. Chanting provides a limited amount of mind activity vs. singing which can require the mind to remember quite a few lyrics in order to complete a song.

Chanting, much like many Deep Relaxation Breathing Techniques allows the mind to focus on a particular thought which can bring about a sense of being centered and also reduce stress. According to the French Doctor Alfred A. Tomatis, (who has pioneered research in the neurophysiologic effects of Chant on the minds and bodies of listeners) there are two kinds of sound: Discharge Sounds and Charged Sounds. Discharge sounds are those which make the listener feel fatigued or drained. And charged sounds are those which give the listener energy, life and health. Dr. Tomatis believes that Chant may be the most potent sound to stimulate strength and vitality within us all. I have to say, I'm becoming a believer myself!

In my own experience of listening to chant I can tell you that I encounter an undeniable sense of well-being, purpose, focus, and calm. Whether I am listening to chant in the background while practicing my daily deep breathing exercises or have some playing while writing at my computer, I can count on the melody and repetitive phrases to set a stage for peace within myself and the environment around me.

Whether you choose to learn how to chant or decide you best enjoy listening on the sidelines, I invite you to bring this Divine therapy into your daily life as I trust it will become yet another addition to your creative resources for living beyond stress and illness.

Our emotions are always letting us know to what degree stress is running our life. And when stress is running our life for extended periods of time our chances of experiencing the physical manifestations of that stress become greater.

If we learn to manage our emotions; learn to stay in tune with what we are feeling and commit to reaching for “feel good” emotions when stressful emotions are present, we can begin to shift the cycle of stress before stress and illness becomes a partnership we wished we had never unwittingly encouraged.

Ultimately, all emotions will land within one of two categories: Stress Based Emotions and Stress Less Emotions.

Stress Based Emotions include feeling: frustrated, ashamed, guilty, apathetic, angry, disappointed, sad, anxious, depressed, impatient, resistant, indifferent, abandoned, betrayed, rejected, confused, discouraged, critical, embarrassed, inferior, lonely, skeptical, submissive, jealous, hurt, insecure, hostile, inadequate, overwhelmed, and insignificant.

Stress Less Emotions include feeling: serene, hopeful, trusting, patient, accepting, loving, secure, significant, calm, peaceful, connected, compassionate, joyful, loved, merciful, curious, forgiving, allowing, optimistic, courageous, understanding, adequate, blissful, supported, energized, inspired, appreciative, open, and centered.

If you want to stop the cycle of stress and illness, your objective will be to consciously reach more and more for the Stress less emotions throughout your day. A first step in doing so involves becoming more aware of your daily emotions. Most of us are not aware of the emotions that fill our days until one emotion screams loudly and relentlessly enough for us to pay attention to it.

Our society tends to give more attention and approval to thought vs. emotion. We are well versed in sweeping stress based emotions under the carpet as best we can so we can get back to our thoughts and our day.

I’m inviting you to put an end to the “sweeping of emotions” so you can learn how to transform them. Whatever stress based emotions you attempt to sweep under the carpet are still going to remain. It might help you to remind yourself that the only true negative emotions are the ones we suppress or repress, aka sweep under the carpet!

Sweeping stress based emotions under the carpet is like saying in the midst of a house fire, “I’ll call the fire department tomorrow.” But in the meantime your house will be burning down much like your emotions will be causing physical havoc in your body when you deny them the opportunity to be addressed and transformed.

Give yourself permission to transform your stress based emotions into stress less emotions and you’ll be playing a whole new ball game that breaks the cycle of stress and illness.

Tips For Transforming Stress Based Emotions Into Stress Less Emotions:

1) When you recognize yourself experiencing a stress based emotion put a name to it. What specifically are you feeling?

2) Ask yourself, “What stress less emotion would I like to transform this feeling into? And then name that feeling as well.

3) Next, ask yourself, “What resources do I have or opportunities can I create in allowing myself to experience this stress less emotion I wish to experience?


A Stress Less Example: If you got into your car this morning only to find out that it didn’t start, and you were going to be late for your first client, you might feel the stress that comes with frustration. When you ask yourself what emotion you would like to transform your frustration into you say Peace.

From there you might use your inner resources such as taking a deep breath to begin your path towards peace. Maybe you would call a buddy on your cell phone and ask for a lift to work. Perhaps you would look for the Peace in the situation—how wonderful it is that your car broke down right in your own driveway instead of out on the highway. How blessed you are to have a cell phone so you can reschedule your client meeting. The point here is: if you want to transform frustration into peace you must choose peaceful thoughts, behaviors and actions that can lead you there.


Experience Less Stress: Your Invitation to Peace:

I invite you to check in with yourself every hour and ask, “What emotion am I experiencing in this moment?” Write it down. If the emotion you identify is a stress less emotion, feel free to go on with your day and applaud yourself for having created that emotion. Acknowledge yourself for entertaining a stress less emotion that steers clear of the stress and illness cycle.

If your emotion is stressful, take a moment and envision the stress less emotion you would like to transform it into. And then simply practice choosing thoughts, actions and behaviors that support the stress less emotion you choose. Give it a try! You might just become a master at transforming stressful emotions and enjoy the good health and sense of well-being that comes from it.

A year ago I attended an art therapy workshop. I’m no artist, to be clear. In fact, I grew up with a brother who could draw the most amazing pictures and to this day I envy his ability to work with all sorts of artistic mediums.

I attended the workshop mostly because I knew it would challenge me to be gentle with myself, loving with myself, and accepting of myself—three big feats when one is attempting something they already know they are not very good at.

One of the pieces our instructor invited us to draw was a picture of ourselves getting fruit from an apple tree. Sounds relatively simple, right? Well, in my haste I drew the tree and myself, as well as dozens of big juicy apples only to discover that in order for my arms to reach the fruit in this picture I would have to significantly extend the arms I already drew.

“That wouldn’t work,” I thought. “It will look unrealistic and I will look like Gumby!” So, instead, I drew a shoe, put it in mid air flying up to the apples as if I had thrown it there to knock the apples down from the tree. I also drew a number of fresh apples on the ground by my feet and placed many more in a basket to represent the ones I had already successfully captured. “Pretty resourceful,” I thought. And so did my instructor.

She examined my drawing and told us all about how the number of apples we drew represented the amount of abundance we believe is out there in the world. She pointed out that although I initially created a drawing where the fruit was out of my reach, (which would typically signify a belief that abundance was out of my reach) I demonstrated my ability to be resourceful in bringing abundance into my life. I liked that synopsis! But have to admit, I was still kicking myself for not having thought out my drawing better to have had normal length arms that could effortlessly reach for the fruit.

I took away a valuable reminder that day. I am resourceful. There’s more than one way to bring apples into my life and to criticize my approach is fruitless. I should celebrate my ability to recognize that there is always more than one way to reap abundance, more than one way to accomplish our goals, and more than one way to maneuver around situations in life that threaten us with stress.

I forget that sometimes, and especially when stress enters into my life. And yet, if I remembered how resourceful I CAN be, especially in times of stress inducing situations I probably wouldn’t cater to the seduction of stress. I’d simply remember myself, the apple tree, my shoe flying in mid air, my basket of already caught apples, and give thanks for the resourceful ideas and solutions that come to me day in and day out that I don’t always give much attention to.

I believe that managing stress is about being resourceful with our time, energy, bodies, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, actions and connections. When we come to know how resourceful we truly are and can become-- stress will undoubtedly loosen its’ grip on all of us so that we might be free to grab onto our apples, (abundance) and take a juicy bite that nourishes our heart, body, soul, mind, and imagination.

Perspective is everything when it comes to eliminating stress in our lives. Even when the glass appears to be half empty, our flexible minds can find a way of recognizing that the glass is half full. Looking for the opportunities in any situation that triggers a negative charge within you is necessary if you want to be a master at stress relief.

When we decide our circumstances are impeding us, we tend to stay stuck with that outlook. Movement and any kind of forward action from that point on can feel impossible. But when we choose to trust that there is opportunity within every situation, our focus remains open and movement feels possible.

The better you become at recognizing the opportunities in any situation the further you will be from becoming a victim of stress. It’s like that age old saying, “When life gives you lemons make lemonade!”

Think about it; if you became really good at making lemonade day in and day out regardless of what shows up in your life wouldn’t stress have a hard time taking over your body and mind? What if making lemonade is your ticket to good emotional and physical health? Well, it is.

Making lemonade requires a commitment to inner peace. Ask yourself, “What thoughts and interpretations are stealing away my ability to make lemonade here?” And in any given situation, check in with yourself and ask, “Are my thoughts and beliefs in this moment supporting my commitment to peace or promoting stress in my mind and body?” Choose peaceable thoughts. Your health and well-being are dependent upon that.

What we refer to as relaxation:

For some people, relaxation might look like sitting in a recliner and watching television, playing golf on a Saturday afternoon, taking a nap, going for a drive in the country, having dinner with friends, or even talking on the phone with a friend. While these may be “relaxing” things we all do, they do not induce what is called a relaxation response. Why? They all involve an active mind. Even while taking a nap your mind will be active as you dream.

What is a relaxation response?

A relaxation response is really the ultimate of relaxation! Inducing a relaxation response requires both the mind and body to enter a state of inactivity. Even when our bodies are at rest and experiencing stillness our minds are typically chattering away. That’s the nature of the mind—to wander, examine, and explore. But when our mind is busy our bodies can never experience complete relaxation. Therefore, the calmer your mind is the more relaxed your body will be.

Creating a relaxation response allows your body to enter into a state of balance. Stress creates an imbalance in the body. While our bodies typically know what to do and how to do it to keep us alive and well, stress can impede the body’s ability to restore and create balance. If there’s one thing we can all do to support the body’s balanced state and healing process it is to eliminate the stress that impedes our bodies from doing what it does best.

How do I calm my mind?

It’s essential to remember that calming the mind requires limiting the activity and focus of your mind. The mind wants to go all over the place—jump from one thing to another. The mind is constantly full of thought. It’s been said that the mind can be experiencing over 300 thoughts per minute. That’s quite a load!

Deep breathing work is one of the ways to practice calming your mind. You might limit the activity of your mind by focusing on counting to five as you inhale and then counting to five as you exhale. Do this for a period of 15 minutes or more and you are bound to have activated your relaxation response. For a detailed example of this exercise you can check out this earlier post- Deep Breathing

As long as your attention is limited to the counting and you are gently aware of your breath and how it moves in and out of your body, you will have definitely calmed the mind and the body.

How do I know when I’ve really experienced the relaxation response?

It’s hard to deny when you’ve activated the relaxation response because you will feel a sense of quiet in the mind, as well as a sense of balance in both mind and body. I often here people report a sense of connection between body/mind where one is aligned with the other. Some people even say, “Wow! This is what it’s like to feel normal!” It is then I know they’ve experienced the relaxation response.

People also report a sense of feeling energized but peaceful. Some people have shared they experience a strong sense of feeling safe and serene. I had one client tell me that she felt like she began her “calming the mind practice” feeling like her body and mind were racing at 150mph and ended feeling like she and the world around her had come to a dead stop. This same client added, “This is going to become my new cigarette!” And it did. She traded in her cigarette habit for the relaxation response.

More on activating the Relaxation Response:

Stay tuned for future posts offering other exercises you can use to engage the relaxation response.

A recent article in Science Daily covers the benefit of mind/body counseling for women challenged by Cervical Cancer. It's exciting to see a discussion around the ways we can play a bigger role in our health and healing--even when dealing with Cancer.

The article addresses the psychological impact of cancer as well as the ways we can use our minds and emotions to support our immune systems even in the most frightening of health challenges.

Read on and enjoy. I hope this article inspires and encourages you all to recognize the healing capacity we all have within.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/04/080422120318.htm